Venus & Mars

 

 

WOMAN'S DIARY

28 July 2007 Saturday


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to

what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love

- but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep -

I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

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MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 28 July

Australia lost the cricket.

Gutted.

Got a root though.

If I Had My Life To Live Over by Erma Bombeck

The following was written by the late Erma Bombeck
after she found out she had a fatal disease.

 

If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love you's".. More "I'm sorrys" ...

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it ... live it...and never give it back.

Thoughts for the Day!

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

-How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

-I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

-Was learning cursive really necessary?

-I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

-Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

-How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

-I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,brothers!

-Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

-MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

-Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

-"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

Fairy Tale

Once upon a time
 
~~~~~~~~
 
in a land far away,
 
~~~~~~~~
 
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
 
~~~~~~~~
 
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
 
~~~~~~~~
 
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
 
~~~~~~~~
 
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am
 
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
 
~~~~~~~~
 
and set up housekeeping in your castle
 
~~~~~~~~
 
with my mother,
 
~~~~~~~~
 
where you can prepare my meals,
 
~~~~~~~~
 
clean my clothes, bear my children,
 
~~~~~~~~
 
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
 
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't f…..think so.

 

Kids Are Quick :)

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

o0o   o0o   o0o

 

TEACHER:   John,  why are you doing your math multiplication on  the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it  without using tables.

o0o   o0o   o0o

 

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell  'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No,  that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it.

 

o0o   o0o   o0o

 

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for  water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking  about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.  

o0o   o0o   o0o

 

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have  today that we didn't have ten years  ago.
WINNIE:       Me!

o0o   o0o   o0o

 

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so  dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you  are.  

o0o   o0o   o0o

 

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting  with ' I.'
MILLIE:         I  is..
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:          All right...  'I am  the ninth letter of the alphabet.'      

o0o   o0o   o0o

 

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  
                    Now, Louie, do you know why his father  didn't punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had the axe in his hand.    

o0o   o0o   o0o

 

TEACHER:    Now,  Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers  before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my  Mom is a good cook.  

o0o   o0o   o0o

 

TEACHER:    Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the  same as your brother's. Did you copy  his?
CLYDE:         No, sir. It's the same dog.  

o0o   o0o   o0o

 

TEACHER:   Harold, what do you call a person who  keeps on talking when people are no longer  interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher

 

o0o   o0o   o0o

 

Swine Flu

And the jokes abound…

 

How Swine Flu started!

Rather amusing I thought, regardless of the reality.

THINK YOU'VE SEEN IT ALL???

I have seen this one a few times, but it gets me every time!!!

 

Warning to Women - THIEVES ABOUT!!!

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.

And then the thieves struck again.

My bum was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new bum was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was drying my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time.

What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart 

 

BTW - These same thieves come in my closet and shrank my clothes! 

How do they do it????