Monday, March 30, 2009


They say its true… is it???

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Catholic golf

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed."
"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice ......

"Shit, I missed!!!"

Last Wishes - a late St Pat's day joke...

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town' s undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:


Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Ten Times!

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Park s ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.

And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

The naughty dung beetle...

Among scarab beetles, males and females generally pair up to start a family, jointly gathering dung and rolling and patting it into the rich brood balls in which the female deposits her fertilized eggs. The male may on occasion try to attract an extra female or two — but he does so at his peril. In one experiment with postmatrimonial scarabs, the female beetle was kept tethered in the vicinity of her mate, who quickly seized the opportunity to pheromonally broadcast for fresh faces. Upon being released from bondage, the female dashed over and knocked the male flat on his back. “She’d roll him right into the ball of dung,” Dr. Barash said, “which seemed altogether appropriate.”


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said: 'NO!'


And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, ate chocolate, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.


The End.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Rudd Financial Bail Out Package

The Medical Profession Speaks out on the Financial Bail-Out Package

The allergists voted to scratch it, and the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, although the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
 while the pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the radiologists could see right through it, and the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The interns thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The anaesthesists thought the whole idea was a gas; and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to the assholes in Canberra.

Friday, March 06, 2009


Marriage (Part I 
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and 
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time 
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. 
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless 
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. 
I'll  go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing 
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you 
give me a hard time about it. 
Those are my rules.  Any comments?'
His new bride said: 
'No, that's fine with me..  Just understand that there will be sex 
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'



Marriage (Part II) 

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone 
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!' 

'Yeah?' she replies.. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone 
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'



Marriage (Part III) 

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. 
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no 
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house. 
After some time he realizes he was nasty and 
decides to make amends and rings her up. 
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 
'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'


Marriage (Part IV) 

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.   
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his 
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. 
The man decides that it IS time to go home and   
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.     
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?' 
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, 
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'




A man and his wife were having some problems at home 
and were giving each other the silent treatment. 

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife 
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece 
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'  He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it 
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he 
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.   The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.  Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests..

God may have created man before woman, but there 
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.